Sex OR Glitter?

My first ever blog post. Gotta say guys and gals I’m nervous, do I talk about dick or glitter? I can’t decide which is my favourite. The lack of dick in my life should help me solve this question but equally after graduating from University into the adult world, there is far less glitter in my life too. These are problems I realise we all face at some point in our lives, so if anyone wants to fix these problems for me that would be grand, but in the meantime I have created a few solutions of my own;

1) Join group of glittery friends, I have the Goddesses. We are joined by a love of glitter and sex but we met each other through American Football, introduced by friends/boyfriends. Quickly we all realised people watching and football are not the only things that unite us, we are all Glittery as fuck bitches. So step 1; find your glitter queens.

2) Get laid, I had plenty of one night stands, two night stands and several few-week-stands (whom I had such fun with) who taught me all about sex. Sex is key, make it count, learn something every time, and don’t regret it. You should never be ashamed of having sex. Eventually you will meet your very own Zeus, he might then move across the Atlantic Ocean but that’s okay because you can…

3) …Get Zeus to send you nudies. Yes, men can send these too. And they can be attractive, they can even turn you on. Unfortunately Zeus doesn’t like doing these, I have to beg, cajole and bargain for them, but I am persistent and horny. However I do believe there are no boundaries here, go as far as you are comfortable, stop whenever you want to in your torture *ahem, persuasion* techniques. (Zeus if you ever read this, please get your kit off…)

4) Buy a dildo. Name it Richard... aka Dick (yes, I am proud of that pun).Use it frequently.

None of these are easy fixes, Zeus is 3823 miles away, also I love him so much I married the guy so no one night stand will ever cut it. Which means I need glittery friends and dildo. I am the proud owner of all of these. These are temporary solutions though, and my two long term objectives are to have so much glitter in my life I transform into a Unicorn and to have sex whenever I want. I am married to Zeus and when he moves to the UK and we get our own flat the second is pretty easy to achieve, it is the first objective that is the problem... so let’s look a little closer at glitter

Glitter is positive and spreads joy wherever it goes, it doesn’t ask for anything in return, it’s always there for you… literally there’s no way to get rid of it no matter how many times you shower. And if you become desperate you can also force it on your enemies because it’s the perfect way to destroy someone’s life and ensure they think of you every day when they find that tiny piece of sparkle sticking to their face (see ship your enemies glitter).

Often referred to as the herpes of the craft world for its magical properties; once it enters your life it will be a part of your existence forever, popping up whenever you least expect it. However unlike herpes it is the perfect way to brighten your day and make the people you hate miserable. Just think how many wars could have been won sooner if we dropped glitter bombs on people; they would either be happy af and surrender or sparkly enough to spot when they tried to attack.

To achieve Unicorn status I must first have glitter in my life and keep it there, our quick summary of the magical properties of glitter show its pretty easy for this to happen, it could even occur without intention. Perhaps some fell off your Christmas presents wrapped in that glittery Tesco’s wrapping paper, the blight of many households... or an incredible invention depending on your point of view. As for me, being a glitter fanatic I recently dressed up as a Star, which was just an excused to get drunk wearing glitter. So first step complete.

Next step, form myself a glittery cocoon and hibernate Monday-Friday. It is a well known fact that work days are the least glittery days of the week, I must protect myself from their influence by building a cocoon of glitter. I can do this with glittery make up, nail varnish and a glittery cape. I’ll also need supplies of wine and Disney/Pixar films because I can’t survive more than 4 hours without either.

Finally, after spending several days shielding myself from reality and destroying my sanity with a glitter induced haze I will emerge, a fully fledged unicorn. Eating rosé coloured rainbows and pooping glitter.

#Sex #Glitter #Hera #Wine #Unicorns #Unicorn #Friend #Dildo #Richard